


Our story on our skin

by wavingatstrangers



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depressed Merlin (Merlin), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Magic Revealed, Past Suicide Attempt, Scar reveal, Scars, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22208836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wavingatstrangers/pseuds/wavingatstrangers
Summary: While returning from a patrol a small accident leads the knights to discover more about Merlin than he ever wanted them to know.  It is up to Arthur to decide what to do with this new knowledge of their friend.
Comments: 33
Kudos: 533





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first fan fiction. It's been a long time since I've written anything so don't expect anything too brilliant but it's not bad either (at least I think). It has also been a long time since I watched Merlin so apologies for any inaccuracies.  
> This is set a non specific time but Arthur is king. Lancelot doesn't appear only because I couldn't work out how he would fit in with the reveal. He might turn up in the second part or I might make it after his death, I'm still undecided. The first part is done and can be read as complete (with open ending) and I'm currently working on the aftermath part. I will definitely complete it as i hate when things are not finished but I can't say how soon. Hope you enjoy.

It was a warm balmy evening as they returned from an outlying village which had been plagued by bandits in recent months. It had been challenging with a satisfying resolution and they were all glad to be heading home. That, the company and the pleasing weather had led to the normal light hearted banter amongst the knights as they rode along.  
‘Looks like you’ll soon have a new scar for your collection’ Elyan called out to Gwaine nodding at a deep scratch under Gwaine’s ear ‘Didn’t realise one of the bandits got in a hit in’.  
‘Ahh’ Gwaine chuckled ruefully ‘Made it out of that tussle no problems, got this after getting on the wrong side of a ferocious barmaid.’  
‘You’ve got a few nice scars yourself.’ Gwaine motioned to the neck of the man riding next to him.  
Elyan rubbed at the faded red marks on his neck. ‘Courtesy of Morgana’s nathair he said, remembering the snake like creature she had used to torture the information of Arthur’s whereabouts out of him. His friends winced in sympathy. They fell silent as they road further along contemplating what their friend had been through.  
‘Yours might have been more painful but mine defiantly looks more impressive’ Gwaine broke the silence and the tension pulling up the side of his tunic revealing three jagged scars running along his torso. ‘Ran afoul of a Wyvern.’   
‘Sure it wasn’t a pheasant?’ Merlin asked feigning innocents, Gwaine grinned back.   
Percival waved a hand at a twisted circular scar on his muscular arm. ‘Caught an arrow from a bandit. Didn’t hurt as much as when a well-meaning villager tried to get it out.’  
‘What about you Princess?’ Gwaine called to Arthur ‘what’s your most impressive scar?’  
Arthur gestured to his shoulder ‘the one left by the questing beast, it wasn’t the biggest bite but the wound spread.’  
‘Hey Merlin, have you got any scars’ Gwaine asked pulling his horse over to where the slighter man road.   
Merlin gave a small start ‘none worth mentioning’ he said looking anywhere but at his companions.  
‘Probably all from your own clumsiness’ Arthur snorted. Merlin forced out a laugh as he tugged on his sleeve. Only Gwaine seemed to notice the subtle move, shooting Merlin a suspicious glance.  
‘What about you Leon?’ Merlin asked taking the focus off himself and determinedly avoiding Gwaine’s eyes.  
Moving his long hair out the way revealing a silver line that extended from under his ear to his shoulder. ‘One of Cenred’s soldiers. It would have killed me if the druids hadn’t found me.’  
They continued on, comparing war wounds and telling stories along the way.

They were three days into their return journey when Merlin’s horse was startled by a snake causing it to rear and throw Merlin from its back. Fortunately Merlin was left with only a few bruises as his fall was broken by a bush. Unfortunately, that bush happened to be a gaia bush, full of over ripe berries. Merlin was covered head to toe in the foul smelling juice. 

‘Stay down wind Merlin’ Arthur instructed as he scrambled back onto his horse amidst the laughter of the other knights. As the sun neared the horizon they decided to set up camp. Merlin tethered the horses and prepared to set up the bed roles.  
‘Leave it Merlin’ Arthur barked ‘God knows we don’t want everything smelling like you. We’ll set up, you go wash at the stream back there.’  
Merlin didn’t need to be told twice dashing off before the King could change his mind and send him to gather fire wood or some other chore. Walking through the trees he soon found the stream and a small pool it formed before it continued bubbling on its way. It was tranquil by the water, the shore shaded by the trees left a pleasant warmth in the air. Not bothering to strip off as his clothes were as contaminated by the stench as the rest of him, Merlin waded in enjoying the way the water cascaded over his body, taking the built up grime and berry juice away with it as it continued on its path. After getting the majority of the debris off Merlin pulled his shirt over his head scrubbing it then returned to the shore laying it on a stone to dry. Repeating the process with his trousers before moving to the shallows where he could lie back and let the water ease the stiffness of the days ride from his limbs.

Back at camp the knights had made quick work of setting up.  
‘The idiots forgotten to take his change of clothes’ Arthur huffed pulling them out from the saddle bag he had been searching through.   
‘I’ll take them’ Elyan volunteered   
‘No you lot finish up here, I’ll take them to him.’ Arthur gathering the clothes in his arms and heading to the river.  
Gwaine looked thoughtful, ‘you know I wouldn’t mind a swim myself’  
‘Let’s finish here and join them then’ Leon agreed. It had been a warm day and they were all sweaty from the ride.

Merlin was sitting on the bank rubbing handfuls of sand over his arms to remove the last of the berries when Arthur came upon him. ‘Merlin, you do remember that you are actually the servant here, you should be fetching my clothes not the other way around.’ Arthur drawled but stopped short as he neared where Merlin was sitting. ‘What the hell!’ he blurted out as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing.  
Merlin’s head shot up looking around for signs of danger at the king’s exclamation, tensing feeling for his magic, expecting bandits or magical beast to leap upon them. Seeing nothing to cause Arthur’s exclamation, he turned to his friend in confusion only to see Arthur staring straight at him mouth open and eyes wide in horror. Following Arthur’s line of sight, he looked down at himself, the colour draining from his face as he made a dive for his shirt trying too late to hide from the prince’s gaze. Arthur’s hands closed over his wrist as he grabbed at his clothes preventing him from putting them on and covering the scars that crisscrossed his body. Arthur couldn’t speak. He stayed staring at his friends tortured body, hand still grasping Merlin’s wrist, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. A large burn reigned over the center of his chest, spidery tendrils radiating from it until they mixed with the scars of countless cuts, burns and old wounds hard to decipher amongst the maze work that decorated his skin. They were there, still frozen in this attitude when the knights emerged from the trees. The four sharp intakes of breath and a ‘bloody hell Merlin’ barely any louder were all that was needed to bring Merlin and Arthur out of their daze. Merlin instinctively hunched in on himself trying to prevent his friends from seeing but he knew it was pointless. The scars covered almost every inch of his body making it impossible to hide.  
Arthur who still had hold of his shirt was finally able to tear his gaze away, looking around at his knights. ‘Let’s return to camp. Merlin you have some explaining to do’ He spoke quietly and his voice shook with barely restrained emotion but it seemed to ring out in the stillness enfolding them. Everyone turned to head back Arthur keeping his eyes on Merlin who had his head down and arms clutched around himself.

Merlin sat huddled in on himself by the fire, trousers on but Arthur still held his shirt.   
‘Merlin’ Arthur spoke softly as if speaking to a spooked horse ‘what happened, who did this to you?’  
Merlin shrugged trying to be casual but failing dismally. ‘Different people, creatures. It doesn’t matter.’  
‘Doesn’t matter!’ Gwaine blurted out in disbelief ‘Doesn’t matter, it looks like you’ve been tortured and you say it doesn’t matter.’ Merlin gave a small twitch, as if trying to dismiss Gwaine’s statement.  
‘Merlin, why didn’t I know you had been injured? Some of those scars are recent, how didn’t I know.’  
Merlin shrugged again looking at the dirt by his feet ‘I’m good at hiding it. You weren’t meant to know.’  
Arthur and the knights exchanged concerned looks. Why did Merlin think it necessary to hide his pain?  
‘Merlin, what happened’ Arthur’s voice demanding,   
‘Which time?’ Merlin tried to laugh but it came out sounding bitter and broken. He was quiet again for a moment he knew that he would have to answer but still he sat quietly, staring into the flames. There was no way he was going to be able to talk his way around it or distract the men this time. He breathed deeply before making up his mind.  
‘One scar’ finally tearing his gaze away from the fire and looking straight at Arthur. ‘You can ask about one scar each.’  
‘And you’ll tell us the truth, no more lies?’ Arthur held his eye as Merlin seemed to be battling with himself.  
Defeated, closing his eyes unable to look at anyone, he agreed ‘no more lies’. This was it, the moment he had been dreading since he first started working for the prince. They were going to find out about him. All the things he had so carefully hidden behind fake smiles and witty retorts would come to light and his carefully constructed walls would crumble. They were concerned now, worried about what he had been through but once they knew what he really was they would turn on him, disgusted. He wasn’t ready to lose them yet, to see their concern change to disdain. He wondered if they would kill him or just send him away in exile to live the remainder of his days alone unable to keep his prince safe from the distance he would be sent. No it would be better to die than have to live like that, all he could hope for would be a swift death rather than being dragged back to Camelot and set upon a pyre.   
Arthur frowned, even in the darkest of times he had never seen his friends like this. His eyes falling blank and vacant like he had entirely given up. It was as it the joy and light that he normally wore was a mask that had finally slipped from his face leaving only the ghost of the man he knew. There were times when he himself had given up hope but it was always Merlin, Merlin with his steadfast belief and moments of unlikely wisdom that brought him back. Merlin who always had enough hope to share with anyone who needed it. To see him looking so small and broken when he was surrounded by friends, to see that look that had never one crossed his face even when held prisoner or about to face any number of deadly beasts, worried Arthur and tore at his heart. He wanted to wrap Merlin up and take him somewhere safe and quiet, away from all the many hurts he had obviously suffered. But he needed the truth. How could he protect him if he didn’t know what had caused such marks?  
Arthur knew the worst scars were never the ones that showed. For all the horrific scars littered across Merlin’s skin, the emotional ones would be so much more painful and slow to heal.

Arthur stood moving to sit next to Merlin. Close enough to offer support, wanting to wrap a reassuring arm around him but holding back, sensing that Merlin needed his space.  
They sat in silence for a moment until Arthur moved running his fingers as if mesmerised over the scars covering Merlin’s back and shoulders coming to rest on the shiny, smooth skin of a burn in the centre of Merlin’s chest caressing it with his thumb. ‘This one, tell me about this one first.’


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin swallowed his throat suddenly dry. Collecting himself he nodded once then spoke to the fire, still unable to look at the surrounding knights.

‘It was at the time of the Questing Beast. You were dying and there was no cure. I went to the Island of the Blessed to make a deal with Nimueh. My life for yours.’  
Arthur gasped, horrified. Clutching Merlin’s shoulder in a vice like grip and turning him so he could look his friend in the face. ‘What were you thinking? You had no right to do that.’  
‘What was I thinking?’ Merlin finally looked at Arthur, glaring defiantly. ‘You were the prince. Camelot’s future, Albion’s only hope. I’m no one, just a servant. I had every right to trade my life and I’d do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.’  
Arthur pulled Merlin forwards wrapping his arm around him. ‘I know you would but you are so much more than just a servant. You should not throw your life away like that.’ Arthur tightened his grip as Merlin buried his face in Arthur’s shoulder. How close had he been to losing his friend? He didn’t know how long they stayed like that but were brought back to earth by Gwaine clearing his throat with a smirk. They broke apart but Arthur kept a hand on Merlin’s shoulder. Seeming to draw strength from the contact Merlin spoke again, somewhat bitterly.  
‘Didn’t matter anyway. Nimueh tricked me. Instead of my life she tried to take my mothers.’  
Arthur’s frown returned. ‘I remember that. You came to my room acting strange.’ His eyes widened at the realisation. ‘You were saying goodbye, you were ready to die.’  
Merlin nodded ‘I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. Gaius knew my plan. He went to the Isle before me, traded his life for my mothers. I got there just in time. Nimueh and I fought. She got me with a fire ball.’ He gestured at his chest.  
‘How did you get away?’ Leon asked awed.   
A sardonic smile flittered across Merlin’s face, too quickly for anyone to be sure they had seen it.   
‘She got struck by lightning. She died, the balance was restored. A life for a life. The old religion doesn’t care about whose life.’  
Gwaine frowned ‘She got struck by lightning. That was convenient.’  
Arthur felt Merlin freeze under his hand, gaze turned back to the fire.  
‘I said I won’t lie but I may leave things out and choose not to answer questions. I may explain later on. I have my reasons but know I am loyal to Camelot, loyal to Arthur. I’d never betray you.’  
Gwaine smiled softly at him. ‘No one would ever doubt that mate.’

There was silence around the fire for a moment. No one wanting to be the next to drag up a painful memory for Merlin. Finally Leon spoke up.  
‘There are whip marks on you back, where are they from.’  
Merlin ducked his head looking down at his knees but shot a guilty look towards Arthur.   
‘Uther ordered it.’ Arthur gasped looking sick.   
‘Why, why did he do that?’  
Merlin laughed humourlessly. ‘For someone who hides as much as I do you would think I would be better at lying than I am. Uther didn’t appreciate being lied to.’  
Arthur’s frowned deepened. ‘Why were you lying to the king?’  
Merlin muttered something no one was able to make out.  
‘Merlin’ the demand was back in Arthur’s voice.  
Speaking louder and closing his eyes Merlin said one word that felt like a knife had been struck though Arthur’s lungs. ‘Sophia’  
‘This was my fault. I did this. Merlin I’m so sorry.’ Merlin couldn’t stand the pain and guilt in Arthur’s eyes.  
Reaching for his hand he gave it a comforting squeeze. ‘It’s not your fault. You were enchanted at the time. You weren’t to know that I would be caught out or how your father would react.’  
Arthur looked miserable shaking his head. ‘Not only did I cause you harm but I didn’t even notice you were in pain. I should have at least seen that.’  
Merlin smile softly ‘Like I said you weren’t yourself. Being under a sihid love enchantment at the time didn’t exactly leave you all that aware of anyone other than Sophia. And by then I was pretty good at hiding my injuries.’  
‘But why did you think you had to hide them. Surely you know that we would help. That I would protect you or at least give you time to recover.’  
‘Because it would lead to questions about things I couldn’t tell you. That I’m still scared to tell you. It’s easier to pretend that nothing’s wrong.’  
‘Merlin, are you scared of me? Of us.’  
‘I’m scared that you’ll hate me.’  
Arthur looked in bewilderment at the other knights. Placing his fingers under Merlin’s chin making him turn his head to look him in the eye ‘Nothing you could say or do could make us hate you.’   
Merlin let out another laugh. This one sceptical, Arthur hated the sound of it, full of bitterness, he longed to hear a genuine laugh from Merlin again.

Merlin looked back to the fire waiting for the next knight to speak. It was Percival who broke the silence. ‘The scar on your neck’ he asked gesturing to the line that ran across his throat. It was one of the older scars they could see, faded but still showing evidence of what must have been a deep wound. Merlin rubbed at his neck frowning. ‘I was attacked when I was 14 summers old. Someone came up behind me while I was collecting wood in the forest. It happened so quickly, one slice then they left me for dead. Luckily mother was nearby, she was able to stop the bleeding and the knife had just missed the major blood vessels.’  
‘Did they find out who did it?’ Percival asked.  
Merlin shook his head, ‘I never saw. I was never well liked, the village bastard, could have been any of them. It hurt more knowing that someone was willing to do that to me without a second thought.’

‘There’s a scar on your side.’ Elyan spoke up, eager to relieve the uncomfortable silence that had fallen on the group. ‘I’ve seen a wound like it before but from what I have heard no one has ever survived it for it to scar. How did you end up with a serket sting and still be here?’  
‘That was courtesy of Morgana. She was still at the castle but already working with Morgause at the time. I was suspicious and followed her one night into the woods but it was a trap, they were waiting for me with Cenred’s men. They chained me and left me surrounded by the serket to die.’ Merlin explained more confidently.  
‘But how did you survive?’ Leon pressed.  
‘A friend came took me away, healed me. It took a few days before I was able to return to Camelot.’ The shadow of a smile flickered across his face as he glanced at Arthur ‘you noticed I was missing wanted to know what I had been doing. I told you I’d been dying.’ He watched as Arthur made the connection  
‘That was the first time Morgana took over the castle. How long had you suspected Morgana of treachery?’ He asked  
‘It had been a while.’ Merlin admitted  
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’  
Merlin snorted ‘Yeah, because a servant accusing the King’s ward of treason would have worked out so well for me. Who would have believed me anyway? Even you would have laughed at me and sent me to the stocks.’  
Arthur frowned but couldn’t deny it. His frown deepened as he thought over what Merlin had just told them. ‘I thought there was no cure for a serket’s sting, how was your friend able to heal you?’  
Merlin just gazed at him the familiar look of exasperation flittered across his face.  
‘Magic’ Percival stated without any trepidation.  
Merlin nodded, ‘I wouldn’t be here today without it.’  
Arthur said nothing as he sat in thought looking conflicted.   
‘Merlin, what caused the lightning that struck Nimueh?’  
Merlin turned to look at him his face set, hard as he spoke ‘She shouldn’t have gone after the people I love.’


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwaine tells a story.  
> Warning: mention of past child death and suicide.

Everyone sat in stunned silence, trying to reconcile the clumsy servant they thought they knew with the hardened and distant man before them. No one knew what to say or how to react.  
‘You have magic’ Arthur spoke working to keep any emotion at bay. ‘Why, why learn magic when you know it’s a death sentence.’  
‘I was born with it, it was never a choice.’ bitterness slipping into his voice.

Silence reigned over the group as they digested everything they had heard. It was Gwaine who broke the silence, out of everyone he seemed the least surprised by these revelations. Sitting forward as all eyes turned towards him, unsure if they were ready to hear any more.  
His eyes trained on Merlin ‘I still want my turn but first let me tell you a story. Years ago, I had a little sister. She was like pure joy, all smiles and laughter and to me absolutely beautiful. But she was sick. She would have fits, fall to the ground convulsing. They were unpredictable and nothing could be done for them. Each time she would come to tired and drained but she was happy. We kept her safe on the estate, someone was always with her to make sure she didn’t hurt herself during these episodes. But one day it happened while she was in the village. The villagers didn’t understand. They said she was possessed by demons, that she was evil. Family status protected her a bit but people still talked, children would taunt and adults would shun her. It didn’t take long for her to believe what they were saying. You could see the light going out within her.’  
Merlin nodded absentmindedly ‘It’s easy to believe you’re a monster if you hear it enough.’ The knights shifted uncomfortably, Gwaine giving him a quick squeeze of his shoulder before resuming his story.  
‘As she got older the seizures got worse and more numerous. She refused to leave the manor scared that her demons would escape. She had a fit while eating once, almost choked. She was afraid to eat after that. She started to fade. One day I found her passed out in the courtyard, covered in blood. She had sliced her own wrist. Luckily I found her in time. When she woke she said she was trying to kill the demons.’ Gwaine shook his head sadly the other men silent enthralled in his tale. They had never heard Gwaine speak of his past before. ‘She was only 12 summers and she hated herself so much she was already looking for an out. The cuts healed but she didn’t, a year later she finished what she had started. She was found in the garden too late. My beautiful little sister, that joyous laughing child had poisoned herself.’ A tear slipped from his eye as he stared at the fire. The eyes of the other knights oddly shiny as Gwaine’s story finished. Merlin still sitting numb, eyes down cast.  
‘The thing is’ Gwaine went on ‘I will always remember the scars left behind after that first time.’  
He reached for Merlin's hand turning it over so he held him palm up, drawing a finger along the line running down the underside of his arm, finishing at his wrist. ‘So, tell me Merlin, when did you try to get rid of your demons?’ Merlin’s eyes snapped up to Gwaine’s who held them in a determined stare. Arthur who had been standing at the edge of the fire light throughout Gwaine’s tale drew closer, paling as he looked down at the evidence of how close he had been to never having met his best friend.

Blankly Merlin traced the scars as well before speaking.  
‘I never fitted in the village, they never wanted me there. Said I was sent as a punishment to my mother for having a bastard child. Mum tried to hide my magic, kept me away from other people until I was old enough to understand that it had to be a secret. That I had to keep that part of myself locked away. But it is hard for a child to keep in control the whole time. Sometimes I couldn’t help it and my magic would slip out. It was never enough to prove anything but people suspected. I was the freak, the monster, evil. I had no friends, people wouldn’t speak to me, pretended I wasn’t there most of the time.’ He looked at Arthur ‘You must have noticed that no one apart from Will and my mother would speak to me the whole time we were there, that time Kanan's men were attacking the village. When I was older I had Will, but everyone else acted like I didn’t exist. During times of famine they would give my mother enough food for herself only. It was barely enough to keep us both alive, she would have to beg off neighbours. It was humiliating for her but she kept us both fed. It got worse as I got older and needed more food.  
It was lonely, there was nothing I could do to help. I was a curse, a drain on the village’s resources. It was pretty obvious that mother would be better off without me, that everyone would be better off without me. I hardly existed as it was, mum would have been sad but it would have been a relief in the end. So one day I went out into the forest to make everything better.’ He rubbed his wrists again. ‘Will found me. He bound my wrists and brought me back home. Once I was healed and strong enough mother sent me off to Gaius.’ He paused looking with furrowed brow into the fire. ‘It was nice having people talk to me, to have a purpose, to be useful, to have friends. I’d never had that before. I still had to hide. To show anyone my true self would get me killed and maybe I deserve it but it was nice to be able to pretend, imagine that it was real.’  
He turned to Arthur, willingly looking at him for the first time since his secret was discovered. ‘It’s all over now. None of it was real, I have to stop pretending. My very being is illegal. From birth I have been sentenced to death. Just please don’t let me burn. I know I have no right in asking, I lied to you, betrayed you, I have magic, I’m a curse. I bring nothing but pain and suffering on everyone but please I don’t want to burn.’ A single tear fell down his cheek.

‘You won’t burn. I’m not going to let you die.’ Arthur was angry and hurt that Merlin never trusted him but the thought of killing his friend and despite it all he was still his friend, sent waves of horror though him. He expected Merlin to look relieved, grateful even but what he saw he could only describe as disappointment. ‘Go to sleep Merlin’ He commanded ‘we’ll talk more in the morning.’  
Merlin obediently shuffled over to his bed role all fight and resistance having left him long before. Exhausted by all the emotions he was soon asleep.  
Arthur waited until Merlin’s breathing had evened out before he turned to his knights. ‘From now on Merlin is not to be left alone. One of us will be with him at all times.’  
‘You can’t honestly doubt him after all he’s told us. How can you distrust him’ Gwaine spoke up angrily ‘of all the ungrateful’  
Arthur held his hand up stopping Gwaine’s rant mid flow. ‘I don’t trust Merlin at the moment. He’s a danger to himself. You all saw his face, his eyes, he’s not himself. For god sake he was ready to die. He was hoping to die. Until I know he’s not going to harm himself again, Merlin’s on suicide watch.’  
Gwaine deflated looking over where his best friend lay curled up in a ball under his blankets. Concern was in everyone’s eyes as they looked at the sleeping servant.  
‘I promised I would keep him safe, even if that means keeping him safe from himself.’ Arthur muttered. He was still conflicted about his magic but he had made a promise, he would keep him safe.  
Arthur took first watch that night, eyes trained on Merlin. Even at rest he looked broken and exhausted. As he watched his friend sleep he went through all the occasions they had won an unbeatable battle or defeated a beast that was only supposed to be stopped by magic. He thought of all the lucky escapes, the broken branches and rock falls that happened in their favour. He remembered every time he rode out with Merlin at his side, how he felt he could do anything as long as Merlin was there. How many times had it been Merlin that saved them, how much had he sacrificed for a man that he thought would reject and kill him as soon as he showed his true self? Arthur had to make this better, he would do everything he could to make Merlin see how important and irreplaceable he was.


	4. Chapter 4

One last day of travel and they would return to the citadel. Arthur and the knights made sure that someone always rode next to Merlin who sat silent and closed off. They tried to talk to him, to draw him out and make him see that nothing had changed but Merlin remained unresponsive, lost in his own head.  
They dismounted upon reaching the courtyard and Merlin automatically took the reins, leading the horses to the stables. After exchanging a quick look with Arthur, Elyan followed. Arthur headed to the tower needing to speak with Gaius. 

Giving a cursory knock Arthur stepped through the door finding Gaius bent over his vials as normal. Glancing up Gaius took in the sombre expression on Arthur’s face and turned his full attention towards him. ‘What’s happened?’ he asked worried.  
Arthur remained silent for a moment thinking on what he needed to say.  
‘What do you know about Merlin’s scars?’ he finally started. The guarded look that crossed the old man’s face confirmed his suspicions that Gaius knew about Merlin’s magic.  
‘I have dealt with many of Merlin’s injuries, what do you want to know?’ Gaius replied trying to gauge how much Arthur knew.  
‘Do you know the cause of the ones on his wrists?’  
Gaius sighed. ‘They are from before he came to Camelot. His mother wrote me about it when she decided to send Merlin here.’  
‘So you know they were self-inflicted.’ Arthur confirmed.  
Gaius raised his eyebrow ‘I’ve been a physician a long time Sire, I would have recognised those wounds even without Hunith’s letter.’  
‘We saw all his scars’ Arthur said bluntly ‘We know about his magic.’  
The colour drained from Gaius’s face ‘Sire’ he started but Arthur shook his head forestalling him.  
‘We know the stories behind some of them, part of what he went through for Camelot. For me. He is in no danger from me but I am worried that he is a danger to himself.’  
Gaius broke in ‘He has not tried to harm himself since he arrived here’  
Arthur shook his head ‘Maybe not directly but his actions show he has no regard for his own life. But that’s not what I’m talking about. Now we know about his magic he thinks we’re going to hate him. He’s shut down. I don’t trust him by himself, I think it’s likely he will hurt himself again.’  
The heart break was evident on Gaius’s face. ‘I’ll do what I can.’  
Arthur took a deep breath. ‘I want Merlin to move into my room. I need him close, where I can keep an eye on him.’ The look on his face told Gaius that there was no point arguing with him.  
‘I’ll also need a sleeping draft. He won’t rest without it and I don’t want him doing anything while I sleep.’  
Gaius frown deepened but he fetched a vial from his shelve. ‘Two drops into his water in the evening. It’s the strongest I have.’ He paused before handing it to the King ‘I am trusting you to look after my boy.’  
It only took one trip to move Merlin into Arthur’s room which now had an extra bed placed in the corner. Merlin had accepted the change silently and without a fight which was alarming in itself.  
‘Why are you doing this?’ Merlin had asked as he sat on his new bed.  
‘Doing what?’ Arthur feigning ignorance. It was the most Merlin had spoken since the previous night and Arthur was keen to keep him talking.   
Merlin’s gaze wandered over the bed and small cupboard that now held all his possessions. ‘Keeping me close. I thought I’d be in the dungeon or that you would send me away. I lied to you. I’m a monster, you shouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.’  
Arthur crossed the room kneeling in front of his servant talking his hand and raising the other to his cheek to gently turn his head making Merlin face him. Merlin’s eyes flicked around the room unable to look at the man in front of him.  
‘You are not a monster.’ He spoke firmly ‘Merlin’ he gave the hand a little shake when he got no response from his manservant. ‘You are not a monster. You are kind and generous and brave. You have done so much for this kingdom, for me. You are my friend and I am going to keep you safe.’  
A tear escaped Merlin’s eye rolling down his cheek. ‘You don’t know all I’ve done. I’ve made so many mistakes, killed so many people.’  
‘So have I’ Arthur whispered as her moved next to his friend drawing him into his arms hushing him as a sob broke out from Merlin’s chest. They stayed there holding each other until Merlin’s tears stopped and his sobs reduced to broken hiccups. Arthur rose fetching a cup of water adding the drops of potion to it.  
‘Drink this’ he said handing it to Merlin ‘it’s a sleeping draft. You need to rest.’   
Merlin gulped it down secretly hoping not to wake up.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what to do about magic

Arthur sat with him as the draft took effect and remained there long after. Eventually he left summoning George to stay in the room with Merlin and heading to the one of the smaller meeting rooms, sending a message for Gwen and the knights to meet him there. 

It didn’t take long for everyone to gather. Gwen looked around at the sombre faces of the knights.  
‘What’s happened?’  
‘Merlin has magic’ Arthur explained   
‘And scars’ Leon added quietly. Gwen’s confusion changed to concern; she opened her mouth to ask more questions but was cut off by Arthur.  
‘We decide what to do next. About Merlin, magic, all of it.’ He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated at his conflicting thoughts and emotions. ‘My whole life I’ve been told that magic is evil but it’s Merlin.’  
Gwaine snorted ‘He’s about as evil as a bunny rabbit.’ He looked around frowning ‘who’s with him?’  
‘He’s had a sleeping draft and George is watching him.’  
Gwen frowned ‘you drugged him.’ She could understand that Arthur would want to take precautions while he figured everything out but she would have thought Gwaine at least would have been outraged. It had never been a secret that he had joined with Arthur because of Merlin. Instead he had given a nod of approval at the news.  
‘For his own safety’ Percival explained as if that was all the explanation needed.  
‘I suggest we talk to Gaius’ Leon said. ‘he uses to practice magic, he knows Merlin, he might be able to help.’  
A servant was sent to fetch Gaius while Elyan finally filled Gwen in on what had happened in the woods.

It wasn’t long before Gaius entered with a knock.  
‘Gaius, I’ve always been told about the evils of magic and the way it corrupts. There have been so many sorcerers attacking us. Even Morgana has turned her back on us and brought destruction to our city. I’ve seen little good of magic but then there’s Merlin. I need to know the truth is magic inherently evil.’  
Gaius let out a sigh. ‘Magic is neither good nor evil, it is the heart of the user who decides that. There was a time when magic was part of everyday life. It was used to clean, protect and help crops grow. I myself used it to heal and add potency to my medicines. But as with any power, there were those who used it for their own benefits. Who used it for revenge or to bring ruin to rivals. It was these acts that Uther focused on to make the people more accepting when he banned magic.’  
‘Why did he ban magic in the first place if the majority used it for good?’  
‘Your father was grieving, that grief took the form of anger, anger turned to hate. He needed to blame someone for your mother’s death and sentenced the whole for the actions of one.’  
‘Was magic responsible for my mother’s death?’  
‘Magic needs balance, if you want rain you bring it from another day, for a life to be given a life has to be taken. He was warned of the price, he was willing to sacrifice a nameless face, he was not expecting that it would be your mother.’  
Arthur was silent for a while as he took it all in.  
‘How come I’ve never seen any of the magic used for good?’  
‘Come on Princess’ Gwaine rolled his eyes at the King ‘they’re hardly going to come and grow flowers in front of you when it will lead to a death sentence.’  
Elyan nodded in agreeance ‘They’d have to be angry with nothing to lose. The ones that come after Camelot and you are out for revenge or like Merlin given up any hope of freedom.’  
The reminder of how trapped Merlin must feel silenced the room again.   
‘That must have been how Morgana felt’ Gwen said sadly thinking of her one-time friend ‘scared of being found out, isolated, desperate.’  
‘Told magic was evil enough times she believed it and became it. Fear turned to hate’ Leon said remembering what Merlin had said back in the forest.  
‘Like Merlin, Morgana was born with magic. It manifested as dreams, visions of the future.’ Gaius admitted.  
‘It sounds like a good argument to making magic legal again.’ Arthur said ‘We are going to have to rewrite a lot of laws and create new ones. The council is going to hate it.’  
Gwaine grinned ‘That sounds like another good reason.’


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have been lucky enough to never have had to deal with mental health issues so I have had to research some of the symptoms and signs. I apologise if I am way off. The list made at the end are part of the steps from a Safety Action Plan taken from the Suicide Call Back Service and Life Line websites.
> 
> I'm going to leave the story here for now as it seems to have come to a natural end and I don't want to make it seem like depression can magically be fixed in one move.   
> Thanks for the comments and kudos

Merlin lay awake in his bed staring at the ceiling. He could hear George moving around the room, polishing door handles and candle sticks most likely. He couldn’t summon the energy to turn his head to look.  
‘Well’ he thought ‘it didn’t take Arthur long to replace me.’ The more he thought about it the more he came to realise that of course Arthur wouldn’t want him as a servant any more. Now he knew how dangerous he was. Dangerous and broken that’s what he was and broken things get cast aside.  
George would do a much better job at being Arthur’s servant. He knew the right ways to act and would keep everything tidy and clean much better than Merlin ever could.  
Merlin knew Arthur had a strong sense of duty, it was probably the only reason that he was still here. Arthur felt duty bound to him. It was all Merlin was at the end of it, just another obligation for the king but he could fix that.  
Merlin heard footsteps approaching his bed as George came into view. ‘Oh good, your awake. The King had some stew sent up from the kitchen for you.’  
‘I’m not hungry’ Merlin turned to look at George, if he was going to be looking after Arthur from now on there were things he needed to know. ‘George, in Arthur’s wardrobe there is a purple shirt, it looks better than all the rest. Never put that on Arthur, he finds it itchy he won’t admit it but it makes him cranky for the rest of the day. And when you serve him wine, keep topping the bottle up with water he can’t afford to be drunk at feasts, the nobles try to take advantage if he seems less than sober, they’ll keep pestering him to agree to their ridiculous demands. ‘  
George frowned. ‘Are you planning on going somewhere?’ he asked in confusion.  
Merlin turned back to the ceiling, ‘I will be gone soon. I just want to make sure Arthur is looked after.’  
‘When are you leaving’ George ask just as Arthur returned to the room.  
‘What’s that?’ Arthur asked sharply.  
‘Sire,’ George bowed ‘Merlin was just telling me he would be leaving soon.’  
‘Thank you George, that will be all’ with another bow George left the room.

‘Merlin,’ Arthur really didn’t want to ask this but he had to know. ‘Are you planning on hurting or killing yourself.’  
Merlin remained silent. The silent stretched ‘It would be better’ he finally blurted out when the silence got too much for him. ‘You wouldn’t have to worry about what to do with me or if I would hurt someone.’  
Arthur sighed getting up, rubbing his hand over his face as he walked away. He soon returned with paper and quill.  
‘We’re going to make a list’ he told Merlin. ‘We are going to write down all the reasons it’s important that you stay alive.’ Merlin looked at him blankly.  
‘One, ‘ Arthur prompted speaking as he wrote ‘there will be no one to tell the King when he is being a prat. Two, Gaius will be lonely without you.’  
Arthur nudged Merlin with his knee, ‘Come on Merlin you think of some. Three’  
Merlin furrowed his brow as he tried to think ‘I need to protect Arthur from magical attacks.’  
‘Good’ Arthur wrote it down ‘Another one. Four’  
‘Gwen and Mother would be sad if I died’  
‘They wouldn’t be the only ones.’ Arthur added gently.  
‘Gwaine would never leave the tavern.’ Merlin kept on with the list.  
‘Six’ Arthur wrote one final point down ‘I need someone to help me make magic legal again.’  
It took Merlin a few moments to process what Arthur had just said.  
‘You’re making magic legal. I’ll won’t have to hide, I’ll be free?’ Merlin asked in disbelief. Arthur nodded. Tears ran down Merlin’s face at the thought and if Arthur’s eyes began to water too then no one needed to know.

Merlin did eat the stew that night but it wasn’t an instant fix.

The next day Arthur sat with Merlin to make another list. This one contained things that Merlin found calming and people he could turn to when he felt down.   
‘Promise me Merlin’ Arthur said as they completed the list. ‘You will go to one of us if you ever start thinking of hurting yourself again. I can’t lose you Merlin.’  
Looking at the vulnerability and pain in Arthur’s eyes Merlin gave a nod. ‘I promise’.

Merlin got out of bed the next day and started back into his routine. Over the next weeks Arthur and the knights started to trust him by himself again, leaving him to his chores but checking in with him regularly. He slept in Arthur’s room still. Arthur worrying that all the potions in Gaius’s room would be too tempting and he found he slept better having Merlin nearby.  
There were still days when the knights had to remove anything dangerous from the room and stay with him but Merlin was also getting better at asking for help when he was feeling low.

The council argued and debated and were in despair of the law changes but Arthur was determined and got the changes through that he needed. Most magic uses were still weary of coming out into the open but here and there there were signs of magic returning. Crops growing stronger and healthier, previously dilapidated building repairing overnight, bubbles floating on street corners entertaining children. Things were getting better. Wounds of the past were closing, there were still scars but the healing had started.


End file.
